It's been a while...

I started this little blogging experiment thinking that maybe by writing again, I could gain some clarity. I used to write in journals on an almost daily basis, but the one thing about journals is that you know, no one else gets to read them. This blog idea makes it difficult because I cannot share all that I wish to share. These words, once published, are visible to anyone who happens to stumble upon this page.
So, how does one decide how much to share. I have been working very hard at setting out a goal for myself and seeing it through to completion. I have always felt like I was meant for something greater than the average person. Does that make me cocky, arrogant, disillusioned? Or does it mean I am aware of the potential I carry within myself but seem unable to unlock? I thought, go to school already! You have found something you can be passionate about, something that can make a difference, so go for it! But, every step along the way I have met with resistance. Every step I take is up hill and although I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I don't feel any further ahead.

Tim McGraw sings that we should "Live like you were dying. Like tomorrow is a gift". The underlying message, to my understanding is, not to take anything for granted. Living in excess is not necessary. Our fast food world with it's readily available drugs, alcohol and sex have us living with inorganic and unsustainable appetites. We don't know how to get by in this life when things aren't easily obtainable. So, I continue to try to convince myself, that even when things seem like they keep going sour, there has to be a reason for it. I've tried to learn from each stumble. Everything has it's cycles. Things won't be difficult forever because the harder I work for it, the more rewards I will reap.

I don't have much more to write tonight. I just wanted to put a few words down in an attempt to continue what I started earlier this year. Wish me the best, for I am still fighting to make something of myself. I get knocked down and I consider defeat, until I realize I can still put one foot in front of the other. As long as I can keep going, the story won't be over. I may have my happily ever after yet.

Authentic Me - A poem

Authentic Me

I've never known a life like this.

Never thought I'd be on the inside.

I never dreamt that this life 

Had so many secrets to hide.

Where do I go from here?!

Under which rock do I find the key?

The search for truth evades my grasp.

How do I find the authentic me?

The passion burns, boils, bubbles over.

Listen as my soul sings.

Soaring, swooping, spinning out of control,

Taking flight with my butterfly wings.

Where do I go from here?!

Under which rock do I find the key?

The search for truth evades my grasp.

Where do I find the authentic me?

Authentic me,

Where have you been?
Hiding all this time inside

My own candy coated dream.

Authentic me,

Please stop screaming!

I try too hard, I fall so fast.

Show me more strength than that!

Am I always in the wrong?

Will my instincts fail me all along?

The loneliness I feel sometimes

Feels similar to losing my mind.

Does anyone out there hear me?

I've felt aimless for so long.

How am I meant to live this life?
Save my soul before its gone.

Where do I go from here?!

Under which rock do I find the key?

The search for truth evades my grasp.

Who is the authentic me?

An Introduction

For those of you that know me well, you recognize Starfyre as my gaming alias. I have been known to my online friends as Jade Starfyre for so long that the name is stuck. I have set aside Jade for something a little closer to my heart. My closest and truest friends call me James. However, recently, while reading, I came across a James referred to as Jem. I have always loved that name. I used to have a cute little cat by the same name. I have recently taken the name unto myself as something more simple, more feminine and, in my opinion, more beautiful than Jamie or James. Whether you call me Jamie, James, Jade, Star, Starfyre or Jem, I am me. All the complexities that make me who I am are about to be shared and spilled onto these pages. This blog is for me and perhaps for those of you wishing to know what makes me tick. Or maybe you are bored and want something free to read to pass the time.

I've had so much in my mind lately. I have been going through so much for a long time and I have lost so many crucial little pieces of myself along the way. It's time to start putting those pieces back together. I need to continue my art, my crafts. I need to do it more often and to let it heal me as it has in the past. I want to have my music back too. It's been dormant inside for sometime now but the urge is screaming so loud that there is no ignoring it any longer. I need instruments back in my house! I am not sure how I am going to go about doing this, as I gave up my bass (before actually learning it) saying I would replace it with the acoustic guitar I truly wanted. My keyboards were left behind in Ontario too (so much was left behind there). And my voice! Oh to be able to use it properly again. It only gets used these days when I sing in my car or alone to myself. I miss singing in a group of people. I miss singing loudly surrounded by others that embrace the release of those endorphins. I miss being hidden amongst the others, where my fear doesn't seem to control me so much. I have also developed the urge to learn the violin. I have all this ability inside, but no money to buy the instruments or perhaps lessons if I get stuck along the way. This blog is my way of writing again. It's time to let it out. It's time to let ME out.

It's the new year. It's 2013. I turn 30 this year. It's a new beginning. It's an awakening. My rebirth is happening. Care to join me on this journey?

Welcome to Soliloquy by Starfyre!